good gods

will this be me someday?

dinner was done and he had said a bad joke. his father who is 97 and widowed and is starting to forget interrupted and said "something important happened to me once" and proceeded to speak of particular streets and my aunt tried to decipher and fill in what could have been and i sat there wondering.

to all the kind sirs

there were many but the last gift he unwrapped was a keyboard. he is six and struck the keys and everyone applauded. the brand name in the corner read kamawaki or was it kurasami? it got me thinking about the japanese and the men who work in factories. i pondered what they were doing as we unwrapped their gift. perhaps doing the same or manufacturing more instruments?

no regards

we are moving and as we pulled our paintings from the wall and created discard piles i couldnt help but watch the dog. she sat on the couch in sad resignation unaware that she is heading to new york or that i will no longer be her roommate. i couldnt help but reminisce about other animals i have lived with and think how odd it must be existing without jurisdiction over location. i wonder if on a rainy afternoon they sit on their couches and muse "ah, remember her?"

last night

there was a man outside the bar performing magic tricks. i only saw one, it involved expanding cocaine and making people say whoa! but we got to talking after and in the short time we conversed i found myself GROWING, he talked about tree frogs and how the earth looked 65 million years ago and ways religions go awry and i kept wanting to pipe in, like i know something too!, but couldnt think of what to say so decided to just listen. as i did he concluded with the opinion that whether you are a shaman or a saint or you play video games all day is irrelevant if you are not PRESENT in each moment. which made my heart sparkle for by ignoring my egos impulse and instead letting myself BE i was actually BEING a real living breathing being. 

i like

passing the neighborhood convenience store and seeing that this seasons detective blockbuster is being used to sell 

hot dogs.

it meant

everything.

losing my religion

i am learning that it is not only unfair but also unrealistic to hold people to what you once knew them as. doing so does not allow one proper growing room, even if their changes occur in ways you dont necessarily understand or approve of. placing a box on a head and saying "you are this," even when you mean it nicely, is not only unrealistic but also unfair. people need growing room, even when you dont approve. 

it must be said.

I BELIEVE IN YOU!

wisdom

does not come with years teeth degrees or dollars. i find it arrives in those crystalline moments following an insatiable cry, the news of a betrayal, the sensation that arises amidst a dry heave.

the optimistic dog

lies patiently waiting 
for something worthwhile 
to drop.

"its complicated"

i am developing the odd habit of waking every morning frantically wondering if i am hungover or have to work. the answer to both questions is usually no. i then fall back to sleep.

shapes and sizes

theres a woman who works at the goodwill by my house. i dont remember her name or even really what she looks like but to every customer she helps she says "i wish you well in life and hope good things come your way." sometimes she says it as a greeting, sometimes as you leave. sometimes she gets flustered and looks to the people waiting in line and says "i mean it to you too!", then when you reach the front repeats it with such sincerity it hurts. sometimes she adds "honestly!" which is my favorite of them all, i like that she recognizes how unexpected well wishing can be but is determined to make you understand that she means it to the core. what an angel, what a saint, in that goodwill employee guise.

like leif

i have discovered that i have RLS. this stands for restless leg syndrome and this means that as i near sleep i fall prey to a tingling sensation in my legs that will not subside unless i move them. according to a website this is most common in the middle aged. preventative measures include baths or a massage. i have not tried these antidotes yet but plan to the next time i am ready to sleep but my legs are not.

balderdash

today i went to my city's courthouse. i went with my boyfriend so he could pay a traffic fine. we had to go through a metal detector in order to enter the building. we snickered as we removed our rings necklaces bracelets and coats and smirked at each other when the alarms rang regardless. the attendant ordered us to take off our shoes. another waved a "wand" to ensure we hid no weapons. as we finished this procedure a man behind us in line leaned over to his wife and hissed "what SLOBS! with no respect!" i didnt hear this but my boyfriend told me later and we agreed it was unfortunate. yes i wore stretch pants a large tshirt moccasins and fake fur and my associates denim was beyond a little frayed but we both showered yesterday and we carry clean hearts and for a man to denounce us because of these superficial imperfections and to curl his lips at youth sharing a laugh hardens me a little and makes me think "fuck you dude." maybe we should have been better prepared for this strenuous operation. maybe we will be next time. maybe when we stop taking life so soberly and remember WE'RE ALIVE!!! our steps will have more meaning, my steps, yours too.