good gods

will this be me someday?

dinner was done and he had said a bad joke. his father who is 97 and widowed and is starting to forget interrupted and said "something important happened to me once" and proceeded to speak of particular streets and my aunt tried to decipher and fill in what could have been and i sat there wondering.

to all the kind sirs

there were many but the last gift he unwrapped was a keyboard. he is six and struck the keys and everyone applauded. the brand name in the corner read kamawaki or was it kurasami? it got me thinking about the japanese and the men who work in factories. i pondered what they were doing as we unwrapped their gift. perhaps doing the same or manufacturing more instruments?

no regards

we are moving and as we pulled our paintings from the wall and created discard piles i couldnt help but watch the dog. she sat on the couch in sad resignation unaware that she is heading to new york or that i will no longer be her roommate. i couldnt help but reminisce about other animals i have lived with and think how odd it must be existing without jurisdiction over location. i wonder if on a rainy afternoon they sit on their couches and muse "ah, remember her?"

last night

there was a man outside the bar performing magic tricks. i only saw one, it involved expanding cocaine and making people say whoa! but we got to talking after and in the short time we conversed i found myself GROWING, he talked about tree frogs and how the earth looked 65 million years ago and ways religions go awry and i kept wanting to pipe in, like i know something too!, but couldnt think of what to say so decided to just listen. as i did he concluded with the opinion that whether you are a shaman or a saint or you play video games all day is irrelevant if you are not PRESENT in each moment. which made my heart sparkle for by ignoring my egos impulse and instead letting myself BE i was actually BEING a real living breathing being. 

i like

passing the neighborhood convenience store and seeing that this seasons detective blockbuster is being used to sell 

hot dogs.

it meant

everything.

losing my religion

i am learning that it is not only unfair but also unrealistic to hold people to what you once knew them as. doing so does not allow one proper growing room, even if their changes occur in ways you dont necessarily understand or approve of. placing a box on a head and saying "you are this," even when you mean it nicely, is not only unrealistic but also unfair. people need growing room, even when you dont approve. 

it must be said.

I BELIEVE IN YOU!

wisdom

does not come with years teeth degrees or dollars. i find it arrives in those crystalline moments following an insatiable cry, the news of a betrayal, the sensation that arises amidst a dry heave.

the optimistic dog

lies patiently waiting 
for something worthwhile 
to drop.

"its complicated"

i am developing the odd habit of waking every morning frantically wondering if i am hungover or have to work. the answer to both questions is usually no. i then fall back to sleep.

shapes and sizes

theres a woman who works at the goodwill by my house. i dont remember her name or even really what she looks like but to every customer she helps she says "i wish you well in life and hope good things come your way." sometimes she says it as a greeting, sometimes as you leave. sometimes she gets flustered and looks to the people waiting in line and says "i mean it to you too!", then when you reach the front repeats it with such sincerity it hurts. sometimes she adds "honestly!" which is my favorite of them all, i like that she recognizes how unexpected well wishing can be but is determined to make you understand that she means it to the core. what an angel, what a saint, in that goodwill employee guise.

like leif

i have discovered that i have RLS. this stands for restless leg syndrome and this means that as i near sleep i fall prey to a tingling sensation in my legs that will not subside unless i move them. according to a website this is most common in the middle aged. preventative measures include baths or a massage. i have not tried these antidotes yet but plan to the next time i am ready to sleep but my legs are not.

balderdash

today i went to my city's courthouse. i went with my boyfriend so he could pay a traffic fine. we had to go through a metal detector in order to enter the building. we snickered as we removed our rings necklaces bracelets and coats and smirked at each other when the alarms rang regardless. the attendant ordered us to take off our shoes. another waved a "wand" to ensure we hid no weapons. as we finished this procedure a man behind us in line leaned over to his wife and hissed "what SLOBS! with no respect!" i didnt hear this but my boyfriend told me later and we agreed it was unfortunate. yes i wore stretch pants a large tshirt moccasins and fake fur and my associates denim was beyond a little frayed but we both showered yesterday and we carry clean hearts and for a man to denounce us because of these superficial imperfections and to curl his lips at youth sharing a laugh hardens me a little and makes me think "fuck you dude." maybe we should have been better prepared for this strenuous operation. maybe we will be next time. maybe when we stop taking life so soberly and remember WE'RE ALIVE!!! our steps will have more meaning, my steps, yours too. 

my accountant

for the baby

the ___ part of germany

why i love charles bukowski:

despite a prickly exterior involving booze abuse and crude humor he possessed a pulse extraordinary in its awareness and desperate struggle for preservation of the human spirit.

the way it goes

i went dancing and met this old man. he had long hair and a beer can and once played in someones cover band. he was no poet but the essence of him struck me. an old man on a saturday just trying to relate.

things my grandpa talks about:

upchucking

jail time

hookers and how much they cost

generation generalization

i recognize that we are headed down roads. but every time i hear about the tragedy of my contemporaries -- their cellular phones, coffee choices, facebook idolization or supposed lack of direction -- i am a little disappointed. we are all part of this downward spiral whether we acknowledge it or not -- we have all been birthed to an earth that whilst intrinsically unintentionally we still all have abused -- and to decide a group of persons based on age, interest or automobile preference to be the cause of a decline or the saddest of it all is to me a degree obtuse.

THE BOX

meant so much! i have had a version of it since childhood and it has been growing ever since as i have acquired more notebooks tax documents photographs ETC. today i unloaded dissected and discarded its contents, as i went designating new dwellings for what felt necessary to retain. now the box is no more and it doesnt mean much but sometimes eliminating something as banal as a box flicks the smallest switch in a brain. and you realize you are FREE!

bad idea

every so often as i drift off to sleep i find myself thinking of items ive misplaced. this can be dangerous because i have so many things (tshirts photographs birth certificates phone chargers compact discs earring backs business cards books) that could be so many places that if i go down that road i may never sleep again.

IF YOU MUST

seeking hobby/help

i recently began videotaping our cat. i didnt really mean to but he is entering adolescence and i thought it proudly parental to undertake a project that would capture his newly spiteful yet dejected disposition. as it is i hardly see him, when not prowling the neighborhood he lounges haughtily across the street pausing only to take his suppers in our garage. a few days ago i caught him aloofly nibbling his fare. pressing record just seemed so natural and although he is minimally experienced with cell phone cameras i swear he lit up like a *someone*. he dined and scratched a chair and leaped joyously under a rug with a delicacy id forgotten he possessed. he seemed born for the movies, like it was all he'd ever loved! i didnt think taping him was odd until today i looked down and realized i was capturing him bathe. luckily he exited the frame and the segment concluded tastefully. 

ive been in this bed for days

i know because cracker crumbs glasses water gallons candy wrappers books dvds toilet paper my toy wolf a liter of soda a tylenol packet a tube of chapstick and one chipped coffee mug litter its surface and prevent me from leaving.

ACADEMIA

sometimes in the presence of those more educated than i i develop reservations regarding my intelligence. i say belgium when i know its mexico and wink stupidly to suggest o hell what does it matter? sometimes it goes well, sometimes it does not. i find this tendency unfortunate because i do not think i am any less endowed in brain substance or literary skills than the next kindly scholar but sometimes i feel that with no degree i have no grounds. i carry no titles, just books. i do not think im genius, but i have good ideas sometimes. it is unfortunate because despite my never having willfully entered it i love academia and think kindly towards those who aspire for such learning. i love that academia does not judge, takes all who seek it, does not care what clothes one wears and strives only to educate and enhance the minds of those who will work for it. sometimes i walk around campuses and sit on benches contemplating things with a freud like demeanor. i muse "this could be mine." then i remember its not, at least not today, and kindly go on my way until the next time the origin of chocolate comes up in conversation while in the presence of those more educated than i and i develop reservations regarding my intelligence. 

i am losing my vision!

despite excessive carrot consumption and the slight age of 24.

on creating for ones self

clean! pure! deep! yet there is the faintest hope that one day all your notebooks are discovered and quoted to be genius.

on seeing a moon full

impressive but mildly disappointing. i expect something to happen, for some key to click, and it never really does. 

i have realized

i have A DROOLING PROBLEM. i open my mouth and DROOL COMES OUT sometimes in a puddle sometimes in a thread. i realized this at work today as i ate my broccoli, the drool FELL DOWN MY SHIRT and i barely even noticed. maybe this is the REAL problem.

softer voices

i used to have this red suitcase, it kept all my clothes. i think i still have the suitcase but none of the clothes but sometimes i think of them, i think they must be somewhere. i used to take the suitcase everywhere, well everywhere i went, because i never knew where i was going. i have been many places with it, missed many buses with it, walked many miles with it. it has varied in weight and content and so have i and it has carried it all and so have i. now i have a room and a closet and i organize things by color. now i read books and clean the drain and encourage softer voices because it gets later earlier. because i am early more. but still i think of the suitcase, it carried me when i could carry no more and i carry it no more but sometimes i think of the clothes. i think they must be somewhere. 

one big today

getting ready for tomorrow. this year i am sick and filled in the wrong spaces i am looking for right things in not the right places. getting ready for tomorrow makes one big today this year i am sick and filled in the wrong places.

future headache

on the ground i lied

on the ground i lie

friends in solid establishments

ellen got promoted now she sits at the desk wears a white shirt not blue answers jessicas questions tells leslie to go eat. still she dances on the weekends hair flying eyes rolled but on monday and every other day i see her her impassive expression hides these things.

no relation

SARAH THE SAINT

if i am not somewhere by the time i forget i cannot forget to get somewhere. else.

i want to go

swimming in the pool. it is 7 feet deep and 3 feet shallow, perfect, ill fit just in between!

the horse's head

do ants have social phobia? the horse high in the sky. 

zachary's guest spot x 2

! B L O O D :

An exclamation on our relation.

mean! business

if you want it im here, a finger dances my brain dies if you want it im here.

when it is going.

where are you? the way things went. where were you?

sad like spaghetti

we look like forks we

go together.

all i see are letters and houses

but i want them! i see them and my toes, they belong together. i want to be there when they fall i want to see the roof collapse. all i see are toes and letters but in my house i want them.

things i thought today

1. i used to think i was special.

2. nick carraway's hat

3. do i still think im special?

4. extreme deja vu

5. im weary but firm 

6. that cat is still here

7. "no one going nowhere"

8. i walk weary but firm

9. can instincts go bad?

10. "came and went, like everything"

magic hour

the greenhouse's shelves

fell,

please be 

kind.

zacharys guest spot.

Hello Hello---you know you know---

How do you you do?  do do..you do

Running with ambition, trying to fly===a game like tennis, feeding off of the others reply

Natehawk knows the game, been knowing like lovers know time

now's the bigin---Wimbeldime

serves in the air, the fuel's ready to ignite, first serve hits and it's --oh my, oh my

can you catch me, 
watch me run inthe station, 
watch me fly to the 13th floor,
catch me 
come on come on, 
i know the inches are 4 high, but they're stout...

"It's Wimbelbom---I mean, ""Windelton" ... I mean, w ... no, W I M B B , no, bell, WIMBELDOM

Here goes nothing folks....see em run, see em fly, see em live, don't let it die

it's free --
oh boys and girls 
it's free

see em live,

but you might gotta jump in quick and run from the cops.

We'll do, ambition's law says so, we'll do...do do...well, 

under the table

i fell for you.

many died

i am trash

i am trashed

but im happy

that if one were to come and say 

"honey, let me help"

i am trash

i am trashed

but im happy

she turned the wrong way so turned back around

you can always turn back when you get turned around!

oh such grace

i was there and i happened to look out the window and have a moment, i looked and saw the trees waving in the wind and thought "oh my fucking god, when did i stop looking?" there are so many things to be seen and when did i stop looking but its nice to know its never too late to look again.

just like the ocean

i keep seeing things fall.

you told me that yesterday

the flexible soap free mass market of hair and crappy tools came crashing to a halt one day in a life. products we know and love weighed in and were no longer considered one of the most effective on the market. if you are wondering what a difference a year makes get a fast acting solution. it is fda approved, remember you are worth it.

behind the classics

have you tried the latest, its so juicy and as it grows you will too. you turn to stone and i do too.

on attempting rhyme

you end up saying things you dont mean which isnt saying much.

anything that counted

i am trying to work my way into the 

hearts and poems of millions 

in order to preserve 

that funny feeling that 

"i know."

theories, basements

 i am a love song still unopened

 i am a car in need of sleep

you should love me for

"i know."

my first and only (rap!)

i cant finish this because its just not me. but it was about them bitches who think they real and was actually about me. 

there are worse things to have

there are better things to be.

my itching eye

he will die by sunday he said looking in mine. i looked for a word and touched my itching eye.

conservation efforts

if i didnt have this coffee in my hand i could do lot of useful things like save a puppy or wave to a man instead i sip and lean casually against the wall i built last week do you like it hows the color?

the early stages

if this poem flies out 

the window then i guess we were 

never truly meant to be

...just reconstructed thoughts

mashed up like your dinner in a

shaky little car

quaking through the city 


looking for a hill

this is us,

the fearful children.

the bank is closed but they have my money

i think this is an ongoing thing.

it doesnt have one

7th street at hot hour so much to 

do like go to the bank and see

the jeweler, his district and

people are everywhere 

right around there

Crooked pages, people have to pee

i would stand forever downstairs

waiting for trains and people.

it is just like that but not a

7th street elsewhere, there it is

grey and somber and my grandpa

is eating mexican food on 

a break?

and here it is yellow and drunk

and im late.

PEOPLE AND WHAT IS SAID ABOUT THEM

 so much

i could be your friend forever

something i ate/you said

put a sticker on anything to

better understand it. stamp me 

in the face to view me straight

this one time

its always going

 never waiting

  always giving less than you

   could hope to receive

with that i say break it!

which i guess set you off.

like a little watch you are

counting 

everything i do ...

put a sticker on anything to better understand it. watch me go to view me straight this one time.

you break it 

you buy it

 you broke me i

 watched.

the Buildup

cold food on a plate. you were there and then you werent, the buildup

turquoise day

just like my shirt. its always the same, just like the song. the cats and the streets and the way i walk down them. the way that i hope it will always work out. its the same turquoise shirt, just like my day. just like the song, its always the same.

the dentist ladies

love me, they clean my teeth and smile even when i havent flossed. they are named susie and meg and use codes like "381." they dont judge me for smoking, i guess cause they dont know, and they talk about their children and their latest rented movie. i tell them about california and they say they like my shoes and did i know i broke my teeth? they go around a corner and i get scared that i might die. i wait for them to come back and announce i have a week. but they dont, they just keep smiling, so i do too, with all my teeth. 

there are noises

in my room.

dog with sno cone on his head,

george washington wig on his

head. people dont know what to

do, they never grew up. "you

gotta love me" they say. vanilla

dog with laughter mouth

expectations from a thai tea drinker. so young

you want some yum thai tea can you feel it in your eyes? you are so young go to hell. you always let your target move. your slipper falls again. we are bleeding vikings in your eyes. vikings by the sea, so young. but do i feel like a viking? we are having yum thai tea again in your eyes. we are falling into the sea so young.

walking places feeling things

its all ive ever wanted.

"the interesting thing about that"

is absolutely

nothing!

from the ground

up we build! 

up we come from the earth like

little brown worms only to end

sculpted and plastered,

legitimate city citizens,

stainless steel operators who

hold their pens correctly and

separate their food so as not to

confused the purpose of eating.

LIFE, it seems,

is getting

shorter each day.

it wasnt 5 years

(but 3) but we sat in his room in a party for her just the 3 of us (but 4) drinking wine and her juice and celebrating the night. 

2 out of 7

its just not enough!

starforce of earth

said his back as he left, he walked like a 

gremlin and had a face like one too

that reminded me of zachary,

why do homeless men always?

he asked for a cigarette and she gave one and a light 

and as he tried to get it lit the scent of flowers flew by. 

i smiled, 

a pile of shit sat on the sidewalk but flowers were flying and 

finally he lit it and smiled so sincere i felt like

dying in the street.

"well thanks!" he grinned and gremwalked away, 

he wore a mechanics jumpsuit  

that said starforce of earth.

down the street a guy tried to skateboard, 

he kept falling but trying

which i feel says

alot.

then the flowers went away

and the city smelled again 

and the clouds covered the sun 

so we stepped back inside.

sometimes

when hugging my boyfriend or other little creatures i fear i might murder

on accident of course.

vera

helped me, she asked how i was and showed me the shirts and said shed hold them for me even though id been dishonest ...i tend to fabricate in unnecessary situations so said it was for my sister, she didnt know ive never had one so said shed put them on hold and i continued to browse and decided if she asked my sisters name was Tiffany, shed be blonde too and older than me and maybe work in an office and go downtown on weekends... then vera got a call and stopped talking to me so i thanked her and left. on my way out there was a mirror, i always look so dirty even when im feeling clean and walked past a man who looked at me surprised and said "today is better than yesterday" and i first thought what the fuck then realized he was right ... its always moving never waiting always changing based on you.

the more you say it

the more you are.

where the papers go

in the back of the drawer with everything else i hide. there are many buttons to touch and my hair is clean but there is no one to touch it. in the back of the drawer with everything else i hide, this is where the papers go.

at least amanda laughed

we were walking the dog and this woman pulled up and said ive lost my dog, have you seen it? she said something about brown and we said no and she drove on and we looked at each other, sad!, and turned the block back to our house. just as we arrived we gasped, there was the dog!, he was in front of the neighbors looking lost and confused. theres the dog! we both said, and began fumbling around. she ran to take the dog in and i ran across the street my arms outstretched like some off duty cop. "nice doggy" i said. just then i noticed a man near the dog. "what are you doing?" he asked. "this dog is lost" i said. "this dog is mine" he said, and took the dog and left. just then milo came running outside with a leash for the dog. "we got the wrong dog" i said, and we went back inside.

yesterday

we went to our childhood home. not the childhood childhood but we lived there til i was 2 and my brothers 3 and 5. it was cold and i kept saying things like i remember the strawberries and "oh yeah those people" while my brother and mom discussed things that really happened. we stood there and i said we should live there again. and everyone said yeah although why would we. then we stood awhile longer and there seemed nothing more to say so my mom gave us candy and we hugged and drove away. 

before that we'd been outside the restaurant when this guy walked by and stopped and said "yowwww!" and we smiled and he said "keep that smile and the gods will smile down on you" or something of that sort and he reminded me of my other brother but a little more on drugs and we waved and and he went on and we went in and sat down. and then went to the house and the candy and the cold and later we went drinking and my brother and i danced and today i smell like firewood because it was burning at the bar. which reminds me of october, remember when it burned?

honestly,

i was a way more successful child than adult and i only began this blog to prove that im not a washed up actress/writer/child model. i dont know how i intend to demonstrate this but now i have a blog.